If you watch much television or go to many movies you are undoubtedly familiar with the stereotype of a gay man in America. It’s the guy with the quick wit and caustic tongue; the guy who has few outside obligations on his time or affections and is quick to flee the scene or devour the wounded at the first sign of weakness. It’s the guy who likes things in a state of apparent perfection, whether it’s his clothes, his fabulous living space or his gorgeous friends (because, of course, gay men don’t actually have unattractive friends. Duh.). This image of the quintessential gay character adds a dash of comedic spice to any romantic comedy and almost every network sitcom shown in America. And the formula works because, just as with any stereotype, this one is also based in reality (or a snapshot of reality, anyway).
I get why people think this is funny. After all, at the base of our humanity all of us secretly wish we could sometimes just live for ourselves, break free of the people and things that need us, and freely spend all of our resources (whether they be time, ambition or money) crafting a “perfect” world with ourselves at the center. This is one of the basic features of human nature that we all share. Thank God there are other forces at work to counter these desires, or the world would be a place where committed relationships didn’t exist, children ran around parentless, the elderly were left to die alone and the sick suffered in obscurity. Wait, I’m talking about an alternate future, right?
I have a theory about this narrative of narcissism that has formed the basis of the gay stereotype in America. At least from the perspective of a gay Christian, it begins with the messages that gay people receive growing up. I’m specifically referring to the messages that tell young gay people what they cannot and should not ever have or experience in their lives. The list is long and includes the following:
- You cannot have a partner of the same sex.
- You cannot have children.
- You cannot be a part of this family.
- You cannot be a part of this church.
- You cannot serve openly in the military.
- You cannot have job security in the professional world.
- You cannot get into heaven.
Growing up with those messages ingrained in one’s psyche takes a toll. It strips away a great deal of hope for one’s future and one’s quality of life. Just look at some of the statistics on LGBT youth who are the targets of these messages (for more, check out The Trevor Project’s website)…
- Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers (Massachusetts 2007 Youth Risk Survey).
- Questioning youth who are less certain of their sexual orientation report even higher levels of substance abuse and depressed thoughts than their heterosexual or openly LGBT-identified peers (Poteat VP, Aragon SR, et al – Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 2009)
- LGB youth who come from highly rejecting families are more than 8 times as likely to have attempted suicide than LGB peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection (Ryan C, Huebner D, et al - Peds 2009;123(1):346-352)
- It is estimated that between 20 and 40 percent of all homeless youth identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, and/or transgender (2006 National Gay & Lesbian Task Force: An Epidemic of Homelessness).
- 62% of homeless LGB youth will attempt suicide at least once—more than two times as many as their heterosexual peers (Van Leeuwen JMm et al – Child Welfare 2005).
For a gay teen inside or outside of the church, just making it through adolescence alive requires the development of formidable survival skills. If you’re rejected by your family and have to make it on your own (which often happens with LBGT youth from conservative evangelical homes), you learn how to protect your emotions from the pain of that rejection, fend for yourself and then work your tail off for the things you need such as money, shelter and safety.
Is it any wonder, then, that when these young survivors reach their thirties they have effectively learned how to cut a person off at the knees using only their quick thinking and caustic words? Is it any surprise that when they finally accumulate nice things they want to enjoy those things for themselves? Don’t the simple principles of Social Darwinism explain why these individuals would want to avoid needy people who may want to take something from them, whether emotionally or physically? Our media has manipulated this tragedy into comedy, but I see (and have experienced) the betrayal that lies at the core of the stereotypical narcissism within the gay community. I see it imbedded within parts of my own heart and daily pray and fight for it to be rooted out.
For me, it comes out in a variety of ways. I’ll be invited to a friend’s brand new condo for dinner but rather than appreciate the invitation and celebrate my friend’s success, this sniveling voice inside me roars “I must have this condo. I MUST live here!” That’s become such a common phenomenon that my friends can now see the look on my face and speak the words even before I can. Oh, and it makes me an unpopular guest at housewarming parties…
Less comical is how this is played out in relationships. I’ve said goodbye to a potential life partner because I couldn’t fathom giving up my own space and merging possessions. I’ve more often been on the receiving end of this sickness as I’ve said goodbye to people (both friends and lovers) who, when the rubber met the road, willfully chose to take advantage of me or cast me aside when my own best interest required them to make a sacrifice. Like the sacrifice of a three-year partner choosing not to sleep with a stranger while they were on vacation with friends. Or the sacrifice of a close friend choosing not to become involved with someone I was seriously dating at the time. Or the sacrifice of a partner choosing to be there for me on a rough night when I was struggling with depression and they had a party to go to. These may seem like small sacrifices for grown adults to make in the best interest of a significant relationship, but in each case they were deal-breakers. For many gay people who have been told “no” their whole lives, the mere threat of being asked to give up the right to say “yes,” even to pass up a momentary thrill, is something they simply are not willing to do.
I realize that many gay people who read this blog may interpret these as the words of a self-loathing individual. While I can’t guarantee there’s not a little of that floating around inside me, I can honestly say that I write these words as a call to something higher rather than a condemnation of where people are on their journeys. On the same token, I'm not making excuses for self-centered behavior. I'm simply connecting the dots as I've seen them in my own life and relationships, and in the lives of people who are close to me. And there are plenty of dots to connect...
As gay people, as humans, and especially as Christians, if we sign up to be more like Jesus or even just for a deeper experience of intimacy in our relationships, then fighting this wave of narcissism that plagues our culture and community must become priority number one. I can tell you what that’s meant for my life, but it will look different for every person. What I know for sure is that it means letting people in, and letting them in far and deep enough to inconvenience you, to take from you when you're not in the mood to give. And it means that through those very same relationships we learn to trust people to not only take from us but also to give back those things that we have learned only to receive from our own efforts and accomplishments.
The times I’ve experienced the deepest levels of safety and security in my adult life as a gay Christian have been the moments when I've let people in, given myself up, and then watched with fear and trembling as God used those very same people to save me from myself.
